i’m never quite suspicious enough of how convincing a new thing becomes at the exact same time an old thing starts asking something familiar of me. not necessarily something wrong or unbearable. just the exact part i’ve met before, knowingly and unknowingly.
the new thing is generous at first. every hour spent with it gives me something i didn’t have an hour ago. new words to learn, new tabs to open, an entirely new version of myself to picture being very good at it someday. meanwhile, the thing i’ve already been doing has the audacity to need another tuesday from me.
it gets to be possibility while the old thing has to be real.
and i’m realizing how much i lean, maybe even leap, towards possibility. i like knowing what i could do, where i could go, what i could become if i gave this thing enough of myself. potential hasn’t had to survive contact with me yet. no plateau. no finding out that i’m only moderately good at the thing i was convinced i’d be exceptional at. no circling the drain telling myself it’s cause i didn’t try hard enough.
i could call what dies when i choose one thing the opportunity cost. but that feels a little clean for everything i feel around it.
so, what? keep it all alive?
that’s the inconvenience i’m sitting with. the loss in choice, but also the emptiness in never getting to choose the one thing. i just wonder how many things i can keep becoming before becoming requires me to stay somewhere.
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